The Surgeon

Mark and I met with the surgeon today. The nurse kindly escorted us to the exam room and advised me to undress from the waist up (you laugh but I got to put on an amazing pink vest made of the same paper the dentist straps over you when he cleans your teeth) and that the Dr. would be in shortly to talk to us about the films, then would get her and return to do the physical exam. (I’m pretty sure her presence was not necessary since Mark was in the room, but maybe it was a slow day). So the Dr comes in and may I add I love when Dr's walk in and greet you with How are you today? Um much better if I weren't spending my afternoon in a SURGEON'S office, right?! He enjoyed the humor but complained they always get a bad rep. Anyway, I was a little relieved that the lumps my regular Dr and I had felt appeared normal on the films. I had secretly been hoping that during my 10lb weight gain since Thanksgiving that some holiday cookie had just lodged itself where it shouldn't have...turns out in a way it had, lumpy fatty tissue. Gross. Actually double gross. But normal fatty tissue is better than abnormal fatty tissue I always say. For some reason it was felt more on one side than the other which caused mine and my Dr’s concern but I learned today, like snowflakes, no 2 boobs are alike! Through his physical exam he also confirmed that what he felt was normal – may I interject it was a bit odd to have Mark watching another man feel my boobs but he didn’t seem to mind so I guess we’re good.

After the physical exam he continues with results from the mammogram/ultrasound and that they had found some micro-calcifications. For those of you with a question mark over your head, those types of calcifications can appear, well simply, because we produce milk. Contrary to what some of you men reading this think they were made for I’m pretty sure the #1 reason is to produce milk for our young. Second and worse case, they develop when cells are rapidly dividing, as in cancer. So at this point the Dr. wants to do a Mammotome. Let me enlighten you with a few words I remember from the video we had to watch…..Valium, ¼" incision, hollow end with rotating blades…they lost me at rotating blades. But I do remember this happened all while laying on your stomach with your boob dangling down through a hole in the table to the drill underneath…Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your boob. Of course that’s what popped into my head while seeing the video! So after a few humorous remarks from Mark (trying to make me feel better, of course) while waiting for the Dr. He arrives to ask what I think. What do I think?! I tell him my breasts can’t be anymore violated than they already have been during the mammogram and ultrasound so let’s go for it. Mark also interjects that he could bring his drill in to help to which the Dr. laughingly replies it is kind of like a drill with a hollow drill bit (yes, where the rotating blades are found!) Really?! Cause you can stop at any time Mr. How’s Your Day Going!!!!

We are then sent to make the appointment at the front desk. Lady in Red Shirt asks, How ‘bout next Friday? Hmmm? Doesn’t really work for me since I start student teaching Tuesday but I guess they’re going to have to deal with it. Not only that, the lady at the radiology desk when I picked up my films this morning made it very clear I must return my films to them or the hospital asap because they are theirs! But to me it sounded like if you don’t return them you’ll serve time in prison! Anyway, Lady in Red Shirt asks us to wait just a minute and proceeds to make various phone calls and confers with the Dr’s. She completely swapped patients and flipped schedules to make my Dr. available to do the procedure tomorrow morning! An answer to prayers, I’d say! But in the next sentence she threatened that if I showed up without those precious films they would have to cancel the procedure because they are needed to navigate their way around my boob and if that happened she’d kick my a**. Yes! She really said that…jokingly because of our conversation of me being jailed for kidnapping my own films but none the less said it very loud in the office. I assured her I would keep them on my person until the morning….and will probably be sending her bagels for her scheduling efforts!