Just Following Instructions

Many of you have asked for an update and expressed your concern for which I am grateful. I have the best family and friends ever. Really. An update would have come sooner, but you see this is the first I’ve been able to type with both hands without having my right breast scream profanities at me.

Yesterday morning started very uneventful and I was feeling very much at peace; I know an answer to prayers. I was to call the evening before to pre-register, which by the way, when I called was already taken care of. The Lady in the Red Shirt is not only getting bagels but some cream cheese to go with them. My only instructions in the morning were to eat a light breakfast if I’d like. IF I’D LIKE! LOL! This girl has never missed a breakfast! I did however, skip the Denny’s grand slam and opted for my morning shot of MonaVie and 3 chocolate chip cookies. I thought cookies would be a safe bet because this body never rejects a cookie so I knew not to worry about them coming back up. Bring the films…no sweat as I’m still carrying them on my person. Take valium tablet with you and take it when you get to the center and not before (You’ll later see why this was so personally important for me!)

We get to the center and it’s already hopping at 8:15 a.m., sign in and immediately the lady is like, don’t take your pill! Her eyes turn red and steam starts rolling out of her ears while she says it. I truly don’t know what’s with these people but they must be under a lot of undue stress having to make sure all of their precious films are accounted for. I wasn’t giving up my films to her, no way, no how, so I carried them with me to my seat. I really just wanted to see if they’d come after them… they did. I’m wondering why they’re such a hot commodity and maybe I can get money for them like copper or something. As we’re waiting I can’t even worry about the procedure because I’m sure an angel in the form of a 400+ pound woman sitting across from us is rocking out to her huge headphones. And by huge headphones, I mean huge…they weren’t the fit in your ear kind. For which I am grateful for because I was about to call for help concerned she was seizing then I saw them. Yeah, my mind wasn’t on the upcoming procedure it was on trying to control my laughter and not pee my pants. God works in mysterious ways my friends and I definitely couldn’t concentrate on my fears during this display. Sorry you missed it.

Anyway, I actually had a nice nurse take me back to a room, tell me to undress from the waist up (this time I actually got a nice cloth gown, which I looked stunning in btw) and told me to take my valium, which I had to choke down since she only put about ¼” of water in my cup. I could have thought of a big juicy steak and salivated more spit than water was in my cup. I proceed to the room next door and was more than overwhelmed by the machine used to perform this procedure. In the video we watched it looked just like a regular table. In real life I had to use a stool and grappling hook to get to the top. The nurse gets right down to business, blah, blah, blah, put your breast down this hole Rapunzel, this arm here, and turn your head away to the wall. I’m truly surprised there were no straps involved. The Dr. walks in (I can’t see him since I’m facing the opposite wall) and says hello. (He learned his lesson from our last visit and at least didn’t ask how I was doing today) So I turn to say hello and like a wrestler going for the title win the nurse pins my head back down and says not to move. At this point I’m seriously thinking about switching careers to be able to act real mean, bully people and get away with it. Dr. says to just relax and look at Matthew McConaughey (whose picture is attached to the wall in front of me with surgical tape for a classy touch) and pretend he’s him. Because that makes me feel more relaxed with my boob dangling down through this hole to him, how ‘bout you pretend my Gisele Bundchen and take it easy!

So the procedure starts and I feel a cold wet wipe and a minor bee sting. And then I hear the drill…don’t think about the rotating blades, don’t think about the rotating blades! Ahhh. There you are Matthew. Turns out the blades weren’t the worst feeling in the world but not enjoyable either. And may I add he took more than the one sample I thought he was going to. He may just have removed every speck of calcification on the film because there were multiple drillings, heck, I may even be down a cup size. Then he says, hold tight just a minute you’re going to feel something like a rubber band snapping you. Wait! Hold up because this wasn’t in the film. 1-2-3 whack!!! It seriously felt like one of those rubber bands used to stretch during aerobics and it hurt baaaad. At this point I’m getting a little loopy but still can’t imagine why that had to be done and you can bet your lunch money I’ll be asking him at our next visit!

Finally, he’s finished; I’m bandaged, quite dizzy and asked to climb down from the table. It would have been easier had they just attached a slide as dizziness and heights don’t make for a fun dismount. I make it down with no broken bones and stumble out of the room to Mark’s awaiting arms. I hear the leprechaun with 3 eyes and a radish say something about the pill kicking in. It kicked in and took my manners because I didn’t say goodbye, thanks, how’d it go or anything. But I did laugh hysterically all the way to the car. I’m pretty sure all the potted geraniums and 3 legged armadillos with cowboy hats in the waiting room thought I was high or drunk. I slumped into the car and continued to laugh so hard I cried, and cried and cried. By then I was crying because I was in pain. I’m convinced that he replaced the drill bit and rotating blades with a melon baller because that’s what it suddenly felt like. We get home; I stumble to the couch and pass out.

I awake to follow my instructions.

1. Leave ice pack inside your bra on top of the pressure for one hour. This is a trick because I go to remove the ice pack and it is part of the pressure bandage and can’t be removed.

2. Leave the pressure dressing on until the morning after your biopsy (with the ice pack you sucker! Have fun sleeping with that baahaahaa). At that time remove the dressing. Do not remove the steri-strips.

3. Do NOT shower or bathe until the morning after your biopsy, until after you have removed the pressure dressing. Leave steri-strips on for 3 days. They underline 3 days I’m sure so you picture the lady at the desk screaming it in your face. I’m okay with the bathing because I’ve still not showered. My armpits are missing the attention. I’ve never shaved so much in one week. But with all the exams I’d be mortified to have the Dr. grate his skin off on some armpit stubble.

4. After the strips are off, place a Band-Aid and antibiotic ointment each day over the incision x 3 days. Note to self, wear a turtle neck next week during student teaching so the kiddos don’t catch a glimpse of my Spiderman band-aid*

5. If you need to take something for discomfort, take Tylenol or Ibuprofen. DO NOT TAKE ASPIRIN. You may also use a warm pack if needed after the first hour. (I was hoping for more valium)

6. You may have mild discomfort that feels like a gunshot wound in your breast and you may have a small amount of bruising, please call. Seriously, this “dressing with ice pack” is so big my whole breast could be green and I wouldn’t be able to see it let alone notice small bruising.

7. Do NOT participate in strenuous activities for 24 hours –i.e., tennis, aerobics, weight lifting, skiing, etc. Really, because I was thinking of signing up for roller derby tonight. I mean I feel so great and all.

8. Watch for excessive bleeding or pain. If either occur, contact Dr. *** office. #1 I could probably bleed out and my enormous “dressing” would catch it all before I ever knew. #2 Dr. left right after my appointment to go out of town and is probably enjoying a slushy beverage garnished with real melon balls on a beach some where.

9. Your doctor will receive a written report.

10. No swimming or whirlpool for one week. Bummer.

So there you have it, recovering but uncomfortable, and most importantly following directions.

…and secretly wishing huge woman with huge headphones was around for the next week to keep me from thinking about the results. Thank you all for your prayers and please continue to pray for good news!

*For those concerned about my morals, I’d never wear anything that would allow my students to get a glimpse of the girls ;)